Be a Blessing - The Right To Grieve: Jesus Did

We mean well. We want to comfort. We want to uplift and be encouraging. Being Christian and Bible believers, we want to offer inspiring words. However, even in our best and most sincere intentions, we often do just the opposite when it comes to responding to someone whose loved one has died. This statement might raise a few eyebrows, but in the midst of the pain and loss of someone else’s loved one, we sometimes miss the mark.

Far too often the kinds of words and expressions of inspiration we offer when someone has lost a loved one are just not effective. In our desire to help, we recite commonly used adages and quote familiar scripture meant to assuage someone’s grief and put them in a spiritual space. And again, it is all so sincerely well-meant, but it is as though we want to take away the grief. We cannot.

It is as though we hold the person responsible for “getting passed it,” or “getting on” with their life immediately, when what they really need is to take some time, to roll back the film of the person’s life, and allow their grief to roll with it. At the start of a season of grief what most people need is a few select close family members, friends, and/or a spiritual director to simply be a presence. Most do not want or need to be bombarded (as lovingly as it is meant) with crowds of people wanting answers and anecdotes about the deceased one’s life and death.

Perhaps, in some cases, the most helpful thing to do is to stay home at first, send a quiet text or a quick phone call, with the words, “I am here. I am praying, and I love you. Feel free to call when you are up to it.” If you are expected to show up and it is obvious that your presence is needed, please go. Be a calm, loving presence. Sometimes all that is wanted is a hug, and your loving, caring face.

Never attempt to stifle or short-cut someone else’s grieving time or expressions of loss and sorrow. True, there are those times when you might have to intervene diligently and with great discernment when someone is immobilized or in a state of desperation or even danger from their grief. For the most part, allow people to grieve the way they need to.

Remember when Jesus showed up at the graveside of his friend, Lazarus? What He did not do was attempt to mitigate Mary and Martha’s grief. What He did do was grieve with them. Jesus wept (John 11:35). The biggest blessing you can be to someone who has lost a loved one is simply to be there and give them their right to grieve.