Relationship Goals

Black love is revolutionary.

When you look back on our history as Black people, everything was done to keep Black love from happening. During the institution of slavery, families were torn apart due to the killings of mothers and fathers, and families were separated over and over again.

Our ancestors paved the way for us to be able to marry legally. As I was thinking about how radial Black love is, I thought to reach out to a few couples in Zion to see if I could discuss and/or receive responses to common questions regarding marriage today.

As a younger adult, yes, a younger adult, it is refreshing to see couples withstand the trials and tribulations of life and come out on top with the help of God. Growing up, Black love was displayed in my home, family, church, and community. I have been able to witness it up close and personal through the love of my parents. Unconditional love is a type of love that is recited in wedding vows and shown in the day-to-day of life.

Two married couples, Presiding Elder Vincent Jones and Dr. Montina Jones (Newport News District, Virginia Conference), Pastor Kelsey Steele and Lady Natasha Steele (Varick Memorial A.M.E. Zion Church), answered a few questions about their love for each other and how it is everlasting.

I interviewed Presiding Elder Vincent Jones and Dr. Montina Jones via Zoom and received written responses from Pastor Kelsey Steele and Lady Natasha Steele. I appreciate both couples for spending time to provide advice and wisdom about their journey in marriage.

How did you meet, and how did you know this was the love for you?

Dr. Montina Jones - I was a paper girl in Elizabeth City, North Carolina. I had a good and strong arm and could throw the paper.

Presiding Elder Vincent Jones - She caught my attention because she was the only paper delivery girl in town. I tried to get her attention which I had little success at doing. Finally, I asked well, why won’t you talk to boys and she said my dad said you have to talk with him first. I made my way to her house to ask for permission. Her dad wanted to know who I was, well, who my parents were. Once he found out, he said sure.

Dr. Montina Jones - I had long, bushy ponytails, and he said when I rode the bike, he could see the wind blowing through my ponytails. He said they were so beautiful.

Presiding Elder Vincent Jones - When she said the hair caught my attention, that was a part of it – laughter

Pastor Kelcy Steele - We met at Morning Star Baptist Church in Charlotte, North Carolina. The first time we hung out was at a Charlotte NAACP Branch Meeting held at Weep Willow A.M.E. Zion Church. I knew it was love because we both had the same mutual interest in advocacy and education for Black people. She would always carry herself in a classy and distinguished manner. I was attracted to her zeal for the Lord, her love for the church, and her overall ministry mentality.

Lady Natasha Steele - We exchanged numbers at an NAACP meeting because we were both youth advisors. I knew he was the one because we shared the same family values and drive for social justice; God revealed him in a dream.

What are the foundational principles that keep your relationship strong?

Presiding Elder Vincent Jones - We live by Genesis 2:24: “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” The principle of leaving family and cleaving to each other. That cleaving causes us to become one person. A lot of times, we tell people if you don’t see the other one, the two of us are one person.

Even when we do marriage counseling, this is when the math goes off the screen because one plus one equals one and not two.

Dr. Montina Jones - The power in the word of cleaving. You are together for better or for worse. You have a resolve or a commitment to cleave to stay together, to stick it out, and to be there for each other.

Pastor Kelcy Steele - I believe the foundational principles that keep our relationship strong are a solid prayer life and a mutual understanding that we have been partnered to make an impact and spread the love of Christ to everyone we come in contact with. I believe that all relationships come with weaknesses and challenges, however, the joy of the Lord has continued to be our strength for over fifteen years, four states, five churches, and four Episcopal areas.

Lady Natasha Steele - Honoring God, honoring our vowels, extending each other grace, and Godly council are the foundational principles that keep our relationship strong.

In what ways do you center God in your marriage?

Presiding Elder Vincent Jones - We do a lot of praying together and keep God at the center. During good times, we ask for directions and when things are challenging, we also seek God’s direction. We have open communication. We don’t just let things happen or assume we understand each other.

Dr. Montina Jones - Not only do we pray with each other, we pray for each other. Throughout the day, I will think about my husband and lift him in prayer. I will ask God to cover him and continue to anoint him. There are times he will call me on the phone and say I felt the urge to pray for you. Prayer is a hallmark and integral part of our relationship.

Pastor Kelcy Steele - The way we center God in our marriage is always to understand that we have a shared faith. Although she is formally Baptist and I am a legacy Zionite, it took some time to adjust to a huge denomination while cultivating a personal prayer life and worship time. I view marriage somewhat as an altar where our very lives have been sacrificed for the greater good, and our relationship is the greatest offering that we can give Christ. We also keep God in our marriage by serving together in various ministries in our local church and district. God has allowed us to serve as thought partners to each other in both our secular and ecclesial careers. We both by the grace of God, have careers in Education where she serves as a teacher at Betsy Ross School, and I serve as the Dean of Students at COOP High School and the School Board President of the Booker T. Washington Academy.  We both, by the grace of God, serve his church. I pastor Varick Memorial. AME Zion Church, New Haven, and she serves as the Hartford District YAMS Coordinator. I believe that God is the center and the glue that holds everything together.

Lady Natasha Steele - We center God in our marriage by praying before making big decisions, worshipping together, and partnering in ministry.

How do you preserve yourself in your marriage?

Presiding Elder Vincent Jones - We do things to keep the spark alive, and we always remember how it was when we were dating.  It’s been fifty years, and we still have date nights. People look at us and ask why are y’all dating, and it’s because we started dating.

We like to share the joy of marriage. We ask people how long they have been married. In the grocery store the other day, we asked the young lady how long she’d been married, and she said it had been thirteen years. She asked my wife, and my wife said fifty years, and she said, “What.” She froze because she hadn’t heard of relationships lasting this long.

Dr. Montina Jones – and we dated four years before we got married.

Presiding Elder Vincent Jones - We don’t have special days. Valentine's Day is a waste of time, resources, and money. Why not have Valentine’s Day every day? Buy me some chocolate in July. We don’t use a special day to celebrate.

Dr. Montina Jones - I don’t know what that could look or feel like because we have become one. My husband is probably one of the smartest people I know. I see the gifts in him, and I’m so excited about the gifts God has given him/ I continue to encourage, motivate, and inspire him. He does the same for me and brings out the best in each other.

Who would have thought that two young people from Elizabeth City, NC, could have lived such a good life and a rich togetherness ordained by God? We have been places that we never thought or dreamed that we would have the opportunity to do.

Pastor Kelcy Steele - I must admit that marriage can be somewhat of a dichotomy on one end: you are an individual, and on the other end, you have become one. I believe that it's very important to preserve yourself and never lose your sense of identity. I believe that we have given each other room to be who we authentically have been created to be by not placing unrealistic expectations on each other. We are one, yet we have different thought patterns, hobbies, and perspectives.

Lady Natasha Steele - I preserve myself in marriage by practicing my love languages, planning vacations alone or with other couples, spending time alone, and going on dates.

What advice do you have for newly dating and/or engaged couples?

Presiding Elder Vincent Jones - This dating thing, I don’t know how you can get people to ask God if this is the one for me. You have to make certain that your mate is your friend. The problem is when you have a relationship to have a relationship, and you leave God out of the equation, you are going to start behind the eight ball. You’re already behind and that’s when people start asking, why are we always struggling? You have to make sure that this is the one God ordained. You have to make sure that they are your friend. I don’t want to be with anyone that is not my friend. We had a special kinship before we got married.

Dr. Montina Jones - When my husband walks into the room, my heart still goes pitter-patter. He puts a smile on my face and joy in my heart. The flame is still there just as much, if not even more than it was 54 years ago. He is my friend.

We always tell each other, and we don’t let a day go by without saying I love you.

I’m a morning person and he’s not. Usually, when I wake up, I say good morning, I love you. So, that usually gets our day started.

Presiding Elder Vincent Jones - She’s so joyful as soon as she wakes up.

Pastor Kelcy Steele - I've been out of the game for over fifteen years and heard that the dating pool is not what it used to be, and most single people have adopted the mentality that I can do bad all by myself. I believe the advice that I would give to a newly dating or engaged couple is that you have to be patient and allow God to present you with somebody that will blow your mind and rock your world. My advice is to get your affairs in order and make sure you are financially, spiritually, and intellectually mature to connect with somebody else. We are living in an age where you need to check credit scores, health statuses, and mental evaluations.

Lady Natasha Steele - My advice is to find yourself, set boundaries, and enjoy the journey of falling in love.

What advice do you have for couples that are struggling right now?

Presiding Elder Vincent Jones - The biggest thing we do is to go back to the vows you made in the presence of God and man. The vows are still there. They didn’t have an expiration date. For better or for worse. I know people get excited on their wedding day. You need to refresh and go back to the vows you made to God and before man. You made the vows between each other. Those things are promises that you made to God and each other.

We said for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, and until death do us part. Now and then, when the challenges get strong, we go back to those vows, and God promised he would be with us. A lot of times, when couples want to write their vows, I frown against it. They leave out so many promises, including the promises of God. For example, I’m going to be with you in sickness and in health. That means when you’re not well, I’m going to say see you or bye, I hope you make it.

Dr. Montina Jones – I’m going to go to 1 Corinthians 13:4: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.” That’s our relationship and who we are. We have this scripture in our bedroom that we pass several times throughout the day. I get emotional thinking about how we live.

Elizabeth Barrett Browning has a poem that tells it all about how you become one and remain one even until and after death as husband and wife.

Through it all, we have learned to trust in Jesus; we have learned to trust in God. He has led and guided us and walked with us every step of the way. For that, we say to God, be the glory for the great things He has done. We hope that when people see us as one, they can see the love and the Christ-centered union that God has put together.

Pastor Kelcy Steele - There are no perfect marriages because they are all made up of imperfect people. They may have a quirk that frustrates you, or you may still be angry about something they did a year ago. I believe to make a marriage work, you must be willing to forgive your spouse for what angers or hurts you. If your spouse is not taking advantage of your forgiveness and is sincerely trying to be better, take steps towards forgiveness no matter how often necessary.

Lady Natasha Steele - My advice for couples that may be struggling is to take time to reset, pray before making decisions, and seek Godly counsel with a counselor or therapist.

Black love is revolutionary. Black love is keeping God first.

As you read the responses from both couples, I hope you experienced pure joy like I did to understand what true love looks like for these couples and how vital it is to center God in your relationship and in your marriage. As an unmarried person, the couples’ responses reminded me to think about a few things before getting married: 1. Keep God at the center; allow Him to approve of the person first 2. Make sure I like the person 3. Read through the traditional wedding vows; am I ready to uphold the vows forever with this person?

Thank you for reading. Do you have your own Black love story you want to share? Share at lifestyle@starofzion.org.